Return of the Summer Scaries
Last Year
Roughly this time last year, maybe a little later, I wrote a blog I called, “Shaky with the Summer Scaries.” It was a discussion of the anxiety I develop as summer break approaches. I’m a teacher, and I’m grateful to have time off from the classroom. It gets rough in this profession and the break is critical, especially when you’ve reached the burnout point I’ve been at the last several years.
So, I don’t undervalue time off, and I understand how many people wish they had the break I and other educators do, but I struggle with it.
I struggle because it’s a lot of idle and alone time. Neither of those has ever been good for my mental health. If I had engaging hobbies or the financial ability to spend the time traveling, it might be an altogether different story, but I don’t. And thinking of the latter, even on those occasions where I have taken a long weekend somewhere; I don’t enjoy them as well as I should because I’m doing it alone. As far as the former, I just haven’t found one yet and I’m not sure where to begin.
Last summer was hard. Besides the issues I usually have with that much “down time,” the circumstances of my life were in flux. It was, if nothing else, a season of uncertainty. I had massive anxiety and at least one significant depressive episode. I wasn’t sleeping. It progressed to where my psychiatric medication had to be adjusted more than once. Some of that was a side-effects issue and some of it was simply a product of the challenging time I was having. I did my best to stay busy, but there was a lot of pacing.
Part of the problem has always been loneliness. As difficult a time as I have feeling like I fit in, I prefer the company of others. I want to share experiences with people. Life feels better when there are others around I can communicate with. My social circle is very small. I wasn’t involved in anything that brought me around people. So, I spent most of the summer in solitude. I know to some that sounds wonderful; peace and quiet. For me, extended periods of unoccupied solitude is a recipe for a mental mess.
So what about this year?
Looking ahead, I have a bit of the same apprehension. I can feel the anxiety starting to build. There’s only a month of school remaining so I’m starting to consider what the summer is going to look like; how I’m going to fill the days. The countdown is both a relief because I need the break from the job and a source of consternation because I know that in some ways it’s going to be a similar song.
But there is hope things will be different. There is reason to believe that it will–at least–be better than last year. For one thing, my evenings will be occupied for the month of June. I have gotten involved with a local theater company. With a little effort and a little luck, that could turn into some social connections; the discovery of a community. If nothing else, it’s dipping my feet back into something I used to really enjoy.
I have a nice vacation planned with a dear friend. It’s not a guarantee that we’ll be able to pull it off, but it’s looking promising. Most importantly, much of the uncertainty of last year has resolved. There is still some, and it’s significant, but it’s more a matter of an unpredictable timeline than an unknown future.
My circle has not grown significantly, but there are people in my life–important people–I’ll be able to spend more time with than I have in the past, and that increases my optimism. But it’s important I work out how to navigate the challenges time alone present. I can’t rely on anyone else to fill the hours for me. It’s no one’s job but mine.
I’ll build a Lego set. I’ll continue to go for walks in the parks. I might even spend some time at the gym. Those things won’t fill a summer, but they’ll fill some hours. And every little bit counts. I need to find more hobbies and activities to occupy my time. And I need to improve my ability to relax and enjoy solitude. The greatest challenge is patience; patience with myself and the circumstances of my life.
I have more than one unfinished novel to complete and the discipline to do that will be important. Maybe I’ll find somewhere to work other than at my desk. A change of venue makes a huge difference to my state of mind. Sitting in my apartment for hours–then days–on end makes me feel trapped. Getting my next book ready for publication would bring a great sense of accomplishment if I can apply myself to the task.
There are practical concerns that raise the anxiety a bit, too. I face a major decision this summer. Am I going back to school to kick off a career change? Also, I’m going to need to buy a car. By the end of the summer, I’ll have a new school year to prepare for. I have some packing and moving to do. In some respects, there’s going to be a lot going on. In the thick of it, it’s not going to feel that way.
I’ve had the summer scaries for as long as I’ve been an educator. This year they are both less intense because I know there are promising developments and more intense because I can’t do another summer like I had last year. So, I’m battling scaries about my scaries, in a way. Besides thinking about the practical concerns I mentioned above, I’m anxious about future anxiety.
But I’m working on it. I’m making a list of things to do, coping strategies, distracting activities, etc. I’m focusing on the positive things that I know are likely to come this summer and taking deep breaths when thinking about the things that will be the same.
It’s a tough subject to talk about because most people see a summer off and wish they were in my shoes. Struggling comes with a sense of guilt for that very reason. And there’s the feeling of “should” to wrestle with. I should enjoy this. I should be having a good time, a relaxing time. And not having those makes me feel a little broken. But I’ve developed a level of acceptance that should help. I’m not broken. I’m just different. And I’m not alone, just by myself.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, if they’re constructive or kind. Leave a comment. Thank you.
Phillip Davis is the author of Peppermint Lightning, Jack-o-’Lightning, and Justice for the Missing. He is an elementary school teacher, and mental-health advocate. He writes on the topics of writing, mental health, and self-improvement. Companion videos on TikTok!
